every year i experience it once. the feeling of not know what to say to you. i made the card, each year a different style. but then looking back, the contents were all the same.the exact same words. the exact shortness of the message. and i wonder why is that.
and it strikes to me harder this year than any other. because we haven't talked at all. at least not heart-to-heart or without it leading to tears. at least you're out having fun with others now. i'm glad i didn't go, because i wouldn't make a difference. perhaps i would, but it'd only to turn the atmosphere to a surly one.
yet people around us urge me on. 'kiss her kiss her!' but i guess you could sense the disgust from my face of the very thought of kissing you. so you pushed those urgings a side with some senseless reason that i'm not one to display public affection to people. indeed i don't. at least not to you. i don't even think i can find the strength or stomach to show much affection to you.
so now your card lies on the table. waiting for you to return to read it. no direct speeches of 'i love you' or sentimental hugs. because i can't bear to give the card to you personally. because i know my hands will tremble and i would cry. not because i am happy. but because i will not know what to say and because i know i've been a disappointment just as how you've been mine.
